Step 2: Identify and Detach From Your Negative Thoughts
If you struggle with some form of Negative Body Obsession, you are
all too familiar with the thoughts that create your suffering.
What
you may not realize is that these thoughts are not you – they are
simply thoughts, but we give them the power to control our health,
our happiness, and our life by listening to them unequivocally and
without question. Most of us travel through life never realizing
that our thoughts are separate from us. We have accepted Descartes
claim, “I think therefore I am” and often believe that our thoughts
are who we are.
We think of our thoughts as ours and mistakenly claim ownership over
them. When this happens, we take our thoughts very seriously. We
either identify completely with our thoughts, or at the very least
we take responsibility for having the thoughts. We are caught
constantly reacting to our thoughts, responding compulsively,
obeying the commands of a schizophrenic drill sergeant with no
direction. Our actions, our feelings, our well-being, and indeed our
entire lives are tossed to-and-fro like a ship at sea because of the
thoughts that our minds constantly churn.
When we discover that we are not our thoughts, nor do we have to
listen to our thoughts, that the path to freedom begins. The best
thought you can ever think is the thought that you are not your
thoughts. Whoever you are, and we will address that question
specifically in Step 3, you are not your thoughts.
So if you are not your thoughts, where do our thoughts come from?
The majority of your thoughts have most likely come from the people
who have influenced you the most. This usually includes our parents.
Our thought life is established when we were very young, and our
parents played an instrumental role in it. Our parents gave us ideas
about who were are, what we are capable of, what we are entitled to,
and what we are worth. Our thoughts have also been influenced by
teachers, siblings, friends, and society at large.
Very few of our thoughts, if any, are original. They have been
passed down from the important people to us. Our parents, teachers,
siblings, and friends’ thoughts were also not their own, but rather
were passed down from people who played a profound role in their
lives. In a very real way, we are not responsible for our thoughts;
but we can, however, take responsibility over our thoughts. Once you
realize that your thoughts are not yours, you can truly assume
responsibility. You can choose either to listen or not to listen,
depending on whether the thought is useful, edifying, enriching, and
evolutionary. If the thought does not meet the above criteria, then
it is better dismissed and sent back from whence it came.
As you will discover, thoughts are energy and
have the profound ability to influence our psychology and biology in
profound ways, either for wellness or for ill. Thoughts play an
integral role in the development of our lives and in the development
of our health and wellbeing, or the lack thereof. When we listen to
the thoughts we have been give, by parents, friends, teachers, and
society at large, without being aware of them and their influence on
us, we most likely will suffer. When, however, we become aware of
our thoughts, we can begin to make conscious choices about what
thoughts we are going to let grow within our psyche. Once we
identify and detach from the negative thoughts, we can begin to
cultivate and nurture positive thoughts and beliefs within us that
have the power to utterly transform our lives.
It is through the process of learning to identify the voices that
are keeping us trapped, understanding where they came from, and then
systematically destroying their hold over us, that we can find
freedom, peace, and unshakeable well-being. With practice, you can
choose which thoughts you will pay attention to and which thoughts
you will disregard. You can learn to ignore and disregard the
thoughts that create pain and suffering, while augmenting those
thoughts that move you toward health and well-being.
Fortunately, there are specific actions you can take to move
yourself from being identified and controlled by your negative
thoughts. You can take back the reins of your life so that you are
in the driver’s seat determining your well-being and your future.
Here is an exercise designed to help you separate yourself from your
thoughts and thus begin to find freedom from them.
Identification: Create a daily log of your negative thoughts and
track the emotions or behaviors that they result in. Recommended
Materials: Pen and a small notebook to fit in your purse or pocket.
Change always, always begins with awareness. We have to become
acutely aware of the way to talk to ourselves and about ourselves.
Once we begin to notice what we say to ourselves, we must discover
how these thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes make us feel and direct
our behavior. Our life is the result of the thoughts we think on an
ongoing basis. As we think, so we become. If you are constantly
thinking Negative Body Thoughts, you will adversely impact your
body, your health, and your life.
The quality of your thoughts will determine the quality of your
life. The way you think about yourself will determine the way you
feel about yourself. The way you feel about yourself will determine
the quality of your friendships, the quality of your career. Your
beliefs, thoughts, and feelings about yourself will determine every
aspect of your life.
So we will begin by cultivating awareness. Purchase a small notebook
that can fit in your purse or pocket. For the next two weeks you are
going to carry this notebook with you wherever you go. Keep it by
your bed stand while you are sleeping; take it with you in your car
on your way to work; have it accompany you to the bathroom when you
shower. For two weeks keep this notebook with you at all times.
Every time that you notice yourself having a Negative Body Thought,
write it down. Also write down the Negative Feeling that accompanies
the thoughts. If you don’t have experience identifying your thoughts
and emotions, it can sometimes be difficult to recognize what you
are feeling.
Below are some common Negative Body Thoughts and
examples of possible emotional reactions that can help you with the
identification process:
- Thought: I am so fat; Feeling: Embarrassment, shame, guilt
- Thought: The cellulite on the back of my thighs is disgusting;
Feeling: Horror, disgust, hopelessness
- Thought: I wish I had her legs; Feeling: Jealousy, anger, self-pity
- Thought: My butt is way too big; Feeling: Inadequacy, shame, disgust
- Thought: If I gain weight, I will hate myself; Feeling: Fear, lack-of-control
- Thought: She is thinner [i.e. better, more attractive, etc.] than I am;
Feeling: Inadequacy, inferiority
- Thought: If I had her body, I would be happy;
Feeling: Longing
- Thought: I can’t look in the mirror, I am too hideous;
Feeling: Terror, Fear, Disgust
- Thought: If only I lost those extra 10 pounds, then I would be
[happy, successful, loveable, in a successful relationship, etc.];
Feeling: Incapable, inadequate, hopeless
- Thought: My age is really beginning to show;
Feeling: Defeat, lack-of-control, resignation
- Thought: With these wrinkles my face looks like a dried prune;
Feeling: Inadequacy, frustration, resignation
- Thought: I wish I had my pre-pregnancy body;
Feeling: Dissatisfaction, defeat, hopelessness
- Thought: I looked so much better when…;
Feeling: Sorrow, resignation, fatigue
- Thought: I am so ugly!
Feeling: Inadequacy, failure, embarrassment
Whether you Negative Body Thoughts are mild or extreme, you are
sabotaging yourself and your life, either in subtle or not-so-subtle
ways. This list is by no means exhaustive; we all have our
particular brand on Negative Body Thoughts that predominate in our
psyche, and we all have unique feelings that result from them. You
will soon begin to compile your own list of the Negative Body
Thoughts that are keeping you trapped.
You will notice that I have included thoughts about your body, as
well as thoughts you have about other people’s bodies. In reality,
there is no difference between the two. The way we look at ourselves
is the way we look at other people, and the way we look at other
people is the way we look at ourselves. If we are judgmental of
ourselves, we will be judgmental toward others. If we are critical
toward others, we will be critical toward ourselves.
The beauty of this, however, is that when we learn to accept
ourselves, we will accept others. When we learn to love ourselves,
we will love others. When we uncover the beauty in others, we will
uncover the beauty in ourselves. As we begin to love ourselves and
live our dreams, we will empower others to do the same. As you will
come to discover throughout this book, we are all one. We are of the
same essence. We are merely reflections to one another, arising from
the same source, each unique, each glorious, each beautiful, in our
distinct way. It is as if we are standing in a house full of
mirrors, and every person, every mountain, every ocean, every
sunset, is a reflection of ourselves back to us. If we can see
beauty outside of ourselves it is because we are beauty itself, for
we cannot recognize something that we are not.
Be sure to include Negative Food Thoughts as well, and just for fun,
add in any other Negative Thoughts about Yourself and the feelings
they result in.
Some possible examples are:
- Thought: I can’t believe I ate that [chocolate, ice cream, doughnut,
bread, etc.]. I have no self-control; I am disgusting
- Thought: As long as I control what I eat, I will be safe
- Thought: I am so out-of-control; I shouldn’t be allowed to be around food
- Thought: I don’t need to eat
- Thought: I must constantly control what I eat
- Thought: I get fat when I look at food
- Thought: I just love food too much
- Thought: I deserve to be treated this way by [partner, boss,
co-worker, etc.]; I am so fat and disgusting
- Thought: I shouldn’t [ask for a raise, take a dance class, wear a
swimsuit, go out with friends] because I am not thin enough,
beautiful enough, etc.
- Thought: If I cannot control my body; I am a complete failure,
regardless of other accomplishments in my life
- Thought: I am selfish if I focus on my needs
- Thought: I am just not that great
- Thought: I am unworthy
- Thought: I am not loveable
If you have been struggling with this for
years and your brain is programmed with a seemingly endless slew of
Negative Body Thoughts, you may need two notebooks. You may find
that every other thought you have is a Negative Body Thought. Not to
worry; don’t let your thoughts spin a story about how bad you are or
how helpless you are or anything else because of your Negative Body
Thoughts. Just simply identify and record every Negative Body
Thought that arises on the screen of your awareness.
What you will discover is that these thoughts are extremely
repetitive and entirely unoriginal. We have a tendency to take them
so seriously, to truly let them control our lives, but upon
investigation we discover they are nothing more than and repetitive,
boring, constant recording that got stuck in “repeat mode” for
years. It is the equivalent of a scratched CD or MP3 blip, so the
same thoughts repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and
repeat.
It is like the Wizard of Oz who controlled people through his
wondrous powers. Everyone accepted the fact that he had magical
powers but upon investigation it was discovered that he was nothing
more than a charlatan. He was orchestrating a grand illusion, a
grand delusion. He was able to do it because no one questioned his
authority. It was not until Dorothy challenged the Wizard that the
truth was discovered: he was nothing more than a lonely, insecure
old man, demanding power in a vain attempt to fuel his ego.
So it is with your thoughts. When left unquestioned and
unchallenged, they direct our lives in painful, confusing, and
self-defeating directions. They create suffering and strife. When we
learn how to identify and investigate, however, we discover that our
thoughts can have no more power over us than the power we give them.
We no longer need to take them seriously at all; they are like
clouds in the sky that pass on the screen of our awareness, leaving
no mark or residue as they return from whence they came.
To summarize the exercise:
Purchase one or two small notebooks. Carry them with you wherever
you go and record all the Negative Body Thoughts that arrive in your
awareness.
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Sarah Maria is leading the Beauty Revolution. She is a body-image
coach who teaches people to love their bodies no matter what shape,
size, age, or ethnicity. She leads workshops internationally, speaks
around the world, and conducts coaching with individuals and
couples, empowering them to love themselves and live their dreams.
Before launching Break Free Beauty, Sarah Maria earned a BA in
Theology, graduating summa cum laude, and then earned her MIA in
International Affairs from Columbia University. She later earned her
law degree from Stanford University.
But woven into her outstanding achievements academically, Sarah
Maria experienced an intense hatred of her body. Starting at age 14,
she began a vicious cycle of 500 calorie diets, bingeing, and
purging. The pain of this cycle motivated her to investigate
holistic healing and spirituality. As with everything she does,
Sarah Maria pursued these disciplines with a passion.
While pursuing her academic career, she studied and practiced yoga,
earned a diploma in Ayurvedic Lifestyle Counseling as well as
certification as a Chopra Center Meditation instructor. After
graduating from law school, Sarah Maria opened a healing business,
Ananda Healing Arts, offering yoga instruction, Ayurvedic and
nutritional counseling, and massage therapy. After seeing how many
people were controlled by self-hatred and discontent with their
physical appearance, she founded Break Free Beauty, a company
committed to teaching self-love.
Sarah Maria has developed a concrete and practical approach to
helping people love their bodies. She teaches a five-step program
that takes people from self-loathing to self-love.
Her passion is sharing this signature system with others so that
everyone, no matter what their body looks like, can learn to love
and cherish themselves. She helps clients love their bodies, connect
with the soul, and live their dreams.
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